


It's too hard to let go

by 4cupsofcofaeee



Category: DreamSMP, tommyinnit - Fandom
Genre: Angst, DreamSMP - Freeform, Moving on POG, Therapy, TommyInnit Hears Voices (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot and Technoblade and TommyInnit are Siblings, awesamdad, sbi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:28:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29486790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4cupsofcofaeee/pseuds/4cupsofcofaeee
Summary: Attachments... His family and friends were his strength.Tommy should not feel pain. He's TommyInnit, Big Man Innit! But sometimes he feels like everything is falling apart. He feels like giving up. All he wanted was a home and his family, but it looks like he won't be getting that. Now, he has to let those dreams go.But god damn was it difficult to let them go.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 40





	It's too hard to let go

**Author's Note:**

> In here, we will see Tommy open up because he really does need to. He needs therapy too.

Tommy knew. He knew that Philza never cared for him, or maybe he did at one point, but it wasn’t enough. He saw how loving Phil is to his favorite son, and that’s the bitter truth. Techno will always be the favorite, while he and Wilbur get tossed around like they are nothing. It dawned to him during the Doomsday that his so called family is no longer his. All the “what if’s” that doesn’t seem to happen. What if he stayed with Techno? What if he didn’t choose Tubbo? But choosing Tubbo will never be his regret. Tubbo is the only one who actually cared for him, aside from Wilbur of course, but why is it so difficult to accept that they’re no longer part of his life?

He’s jealous. He’s jealous of how Ranboo is a replacement for him, or maybe he didn’t even need any replacement since he was pretty much never there in the family. Quite frankly, Tommy didn’t care about Ranboo getting adopted. He was happy for his friend. He deserves to have someone there for him. But that doesn’t stop the pain from residing. It never did. Ranboo was better than him in all aspect. Big Man deserves all the attention his getting.

**_But how about you?_ **

Ah yes, the voices. The voices that doesn’t seem to vanish and let him live his life. They’re there to comfort Tommy, but of course, there are times where he wants them to go. He thinks it’s a family’s thing. The voices, the need to kill, and blood. He was able to suppress these voices. Their need for blood was never attained as he controlled himself. During the times where the voices were to powerful he isolated his self. Gone like he was never there. Better than do that than kill hundreds of people like his older brother.

* * *

Tommy was out with Sam doing some father bonding moments. It took him a while to trust Sam. It was so difficult to trust another adult after the fucked up things his _family_ has done. It was harder to let go even if they blew his home up, killed his brother and best friend, and neglected him. For him, it has been a cycle. Blew, Kill, Neglect and repeat. Where’s the love in that cycle? He doesn’t know what love is. Too many betrayals has coated his heart that it never learned how to. He deserves to be thrown out after his betrayal to Techno.

**_Is it really betrayal to side with the only person who has cared for you?_ **

**_Do you really?_ **

**_Big brother Techno only saw you as an annoying child._ **

**_Kinda is if you think about it._ **

****

Techno took him in, gave him a temporary home, fed him, and protected him, but he doesn’t feel loved. He tries. He really does not to feel these feeling because he’s TommyInnit, a Big Man. But for once in his lifetime he wanted to feel what’s it like to be loved.

* * *

“Well, that going to be a problem, Dream. Cause this guy is with me. Unless of course, you want to cash in that favor”

Those words rang in his head. What favor? What is he talking about?

**_He’s going to give us! He’s going to give us to Dream!_ **

****

He asked, but Techno just shrugged his question and told him that it’s “adults business”. How can he tell him to do that, but the second he messed up he was called as a child? How can he call him a child, but never treated him as one?

Sleepless nights pass. His overthinking is eating him. He was supposed to trust his brother. Right? But why does he feel the need to go? Why does he feel like he can’t stay with his only brother? That favor… He’s willing to give Tommy up if Dream asks him to do so.

So he has done what he’s always best at. Run from his problems. Go to Tubbo.

* * *

‘You alright, bud?” Sam asked the boy lost in his thoughts. _Was he alright? How long has it been since he was doing alright?_

“I’m fine, Sam.” Tommy is a big man. He never cries, never showed his real emotions, and hid the real him with a façade that no one was able to break though.

**_No, you’re not fine_ **

****

I’m fine

**_No you’re not._ **

****

I said I’m fine. I’m TommyInnit. TommyInnit doesn’t feel pain bitch. And can you shut the hell up for once!

**_No, but go off._ **

****

“You don’t look fine, Toms…” Sam was hesitant to proceed with this conversation. He knew Tommy can’t open up, or he doesn’t want to, but he was persistent to help the boy. This child in front of him has undergo a lot of challenges, but he saw how he controlled his self. How this boy, the boy who he calls his son, suppress the pain. He saw how Tommy invalidates his feelings because he thinks he deserves all the shit that was given to him. He saw how the boy went from shouting and being all confident to a person who looked tired all the time. A person who looks like all his hopes and dreams are dead. He promised to salvage this child from what he’s been through, but he can’t do that _if the person does not want saving._

“I’m tired dad…. I’m really really tired. I want to let go. I have to let go, but it’s so fucking difficult. I reckon they don’t even care for me, yet I’m here being emotional and shit. They don’t see how much pain they’re putting me in. They don’t know what it feels like to be left alone in a cruel world. They don’t feel how it’s like to be replaced. They don’t know what I feel, yet they act like they do. They say I betrayed them, but they don’t see how they betray me every god damn time they get a chance to correct it.”

Tommy felt… pain. He shouldn’t, but he can’t stop himself from feeling this certain emotion. Once upon a time, he was happy, though that never lasted. Once upon a time, he had a family. But that was only a fairy tale. He never had them.

“It’s like I’m falling in a void where I have to rewatch all the painful memories I’ve been through. It’s like I have to feel all those pain all over again, but I can’t do anything. I want them back, but at the same time I don’t. Don’t get me wrong dad. I love you. That’s cheesy, but I really do. I appreciate you a lot. More than you even think of, but I can’t help and feel like I’m your burden. I’m always someone’s burden.”

It’s true. He thinks that his family only put up to him since they were after all a family. He thinks that it was his fault when Wilbur went insane. He can’t help but feel like Tubbo is only stayed because he felt guilty. He thinks that he doesn’t deserve Sam’s affection because he’ll only leave him alone when he feels like it. No one ever stayed. That’s the problem.

“You’re not a burden, son. You’ve been through a lot, and you don’t deserve it. Everyone faces consequences when they do something, but your consequences are not something anyone should ever be put through. For once, you deserve to finally be happy. I know you think no one ever stays, but I will, and so will Tubbo. They don’t deserve you. Letting go is hard process, Toms. It really is. But you’ll get there. One day, you’ll feel no guilt. Someday you’ll be free. And you won’t even have to think about them. I’ll always be here, Toms.”

Sam did mean it. He’ll protect this boy for the rest of his life. He will give Tommy the life he deserves. The parental figure he needs to move on. And he’ll do anything to be his legal father, even if he’s not the biological father of Tommy he’ll give anything for this boy, his son.

“Thank you, dad. I really appreciate this. I don’t really open up cuz its difficult and shit. ‘ld man, Phil never listened to me even when he gets a chance to do so. He always tells me to man up. I do it all the time. Lately it gets difficult to o’know bottle feelings up. It feels like I’m a walking bomb that will explode. It’s so hard to let them go. You reckon I’ll be able to let them go?”

It may be difficult for him to let go, but he’ll try. Techno and Philza are no longer his family. They never even were, so what’s the point of holding on to something that has been long gone?

“You will, bud. You will. I know you will. Just let time do its work. You’ll heal, and I’ll be here to make sure that you’ll move on from it.”

**_We’ll help you too_ **

It’s rare for the voices to be supportive to him, but they have gone through so much and they feel the need to help Tommy.

Tommy felt relieved, yet the pain doesn’t go. He feels lost, but he’ll get there. He will learn to let them go. He will learn to love and be happy again. And for once in his life, there will be someone to support and be there for him. One day. One step at a time.

_Even if take a long time…._

**Author's Note:**

> Don't worry there will be part 2 and I might do a part 3. Depends when I don't procrastinate.\
> 
> Hope you enjoy <3


End file.
